Letting Go of Negative Self Talk

I'm reading a book that has really helped me a lot with getting rid of negative self talk and replacing it with positive soul talk. The book is "Me, Myself, and Lies" by Jennifer Rothchild.  This is a Bible study and it has been extremely helpful to me.

For years all I've done is think I'm stupid or incompetent. I never think I'm worthy of love. This is so far from the truth. Because of my negative self talk, I believe that I have filled my life with people that reinforce my inner beliefs about myself. I have surrounded myself with people who are unable to commit in relationships, unfaithful, self-absorbed, and generally unappreciative of the gifts that I've brought into the relationship.

This is all changing so suddenly. I have no desire to talk to or visit with the "UNs" in my life any more. I don't desire the presence of people that want, want, want from me and never give. I am worthy of givers. I am worthy of being part of a relationship where I am supported emotionally and physically if need be.

One of the biggest revelations from doing this Bible study is that I realized that I make most all of my decisions based on loneliness. Most people would not see me as lonely. I have friends and family around often. However, I know I'm lonely and always have been. I come from a huge family and have children in the area, yet I always feel alone. Recently I've heard a song on Christian radio, and can't remember the singer. There is a line where he says something like, "we call this our home, but I still feel alone." It keeps hitting me over and over. How many other women feel alone in their own homes with family around? I suspect it is a good number if someone thought to write it in a song.

I accepted a job which will take me several hours away from my home. I'm leaving my kids and grandkids. I will be physically all alone in a city for the first time in my life. I'm filled with fear and anticipation. I have searched so long for a job in my field and somehow this job opened up and isn't in my field at all. I was never quite sure why I even applied for the position other than I felt led to the site online one night. Somehow this all feels like God's plan to me. I'm realizing that God has chosen this particular time to reveal my most basic issue/fear only days after I accepted a job where the responsibility alone strikes me with fear. I feel like He is definitely trying to tell me that we will conquer this thing together and that I am not ever alone.

So, I'm really looking forward to all that God has planned for this new chapter in my life where I am going to be physically alone for the first time.

Forgiving Hurts

Today, as I sat in church, I knew that I had so much to be forgiven for, in this week alone, actually in just the past day alone. I felt so blessed to be sitting in a congregation of people that understand that we all sin and fall short of the Glory of God. We all struggle to walk the way we should but we keep on trucking along, working to maintain our relationship with God and know that we must die to ourselves daily. It is a tough thing to die to oneself especially in this world of easy access to all things that make us feel good. But, I really felt forgiven as I walked in the church today. God knows my inner struggles.  He knows I fall and keeps accepting me back. The honest truth is that, I fell so hard yesterday, I was not sure I should even bother God today.

Then, the sermon today was on forgiveness. It was about forgiving others. Because it is so infinitely powerful to be forgiven by God, I find it difficult to comprehend how forgiving others will even come close to the feeling that I get from being forgiven by God. Yet, it is a beautiful and powerful experience all in itself. Forgiving others as well as ourselves makes our souls lighter and frees us up to be used by God.

I am generally a very forgiving person so I was surprised when I felt compelled to take notes. I don't normally take notes but I felt like I was supposed to. Pastor gave categories that a person who has wronged us might fall into. Maybe that person hurt us because they thought we deserved it or because of a compulsion or their own weakness.... As he described a category I found that I actually had a few people that came to mind immediately and one that I had not forgiven.

Last Monday, I was struck hard with a flood of emotion when I realized that I still harbored ill feelings towards a former church friend. I stopped what I was doing then and prayed for her and her family. I realized that I needed to forgive where I felt she let me down  but also, that I had really hoped she had forgiven  me for letting her down. I wrote her a note letting her know that I wished for peace between us. Then, I couldn't find her address, left the note in my car for two days while my car was being repaired, and was generally busy and misplaced the folder it was in.... So, the note went unsent and she has no idea of my feelings or intent towards her family. So, today's sermon was perfect timing to nudge me to send that letter tomorrow, or drop it off as I still cannot find her address.

However, she is not the person that God placed on my heart in the service today. I already forgave her, she just doesn't know it yet. There was someone else, someone that I cared deeply for, who hurt me, on purpose.  Do I already have to forgive this person? I reflected on this month alone and realize how much time I have wasted thinking over our past and wishing things had been different. I have thought about him in anger and cried, although usually silent tears that I can't even let out. Do I have to let this person know that I forgive him or is it enough to just forgive? I spent many hours today pondering this and praying. As broken down as I feel, I realized that he might possibly be more broken down than me, or he wouldn't have done all that he did to me. So, if he is broken down and/or down on his luck, would it help him to know that I have forgiven him? Will he care at all? Perhaps not.

Maybe I'm the sort of person that doesn't mind looking the fool. But, I don't want to be that person who forgave someone and never told him. If I don't say it, he might walk around thinking that I talk badly about him behind his back or that I think negatively about him. Even if I send the note, he may never receive it in the spirit it was intended. He may be so caught up in his own negativity that he doesn't give a hoot what I think about him. But, what if he does care what other's think?

So, I look like a fool right now. I will look like an idiot when he tells our common friends that I sent some "stupid" letter forgiving him. I may be the butt of a few jokes down the road. OR he will understand what I meant and he will have the note to read at just the right moment in his life and it might help him in some small way. I guess I don't mind being the "tool" that sent a crazy, "I forgive you" letter if it means that my letter might be the tool that helps him accept the forgiveness that comes from God alone.

Some think I forgive too easily, but I cannot change who I am in this way. I believe that God put an understanding in me that allows me to see where others are broken, just like me. I don't think that forgiving is the same thing as forgetting or the same thing as tolerating bad behavior. We still have to draw lines as to what we are willing to live with and accept from those in our lives. To me, and this may not be Biblical, it means that I harbor no ill will towards them and wish them peace. What happened still happened, pain is still pain, I just accept that and move forward, although, I might still have occasion to cry.

If Insecurity was an Island, It Would Be Overcrowded

I accepted a date for tonight with a man that I really liked. I can honestly say that out of approximately 20 dates in the last year, it was one of two that I truly looked forward to. I was so frightened because of all the anxiety of first dates and insecurity of not being accepted, or plain and simply being rejected. If you aren't asked to a 2nd date and you like the guy, that hurts.

Because of my nervousness about this date, I showered three times today as well as my bath when I got up this morning, I sweat all afternoon and evening. I did my hair and make up. Yet, I could not put on my clothes for my date. I just couldn't let myself get completely ready unless I felt like he was well on his way to pick me up. Why, because I have been stood up before and if I'm not dressed then I can tell myself that I wasn't ready to go out anyway, so it is no big deal if I get stood up. Not getting dressed helps me perpetrate one of my  pretty lies.

I felt insecure about my house. There was no way to hide the condition of the outside of my house. It was probably too late to call in a wrecking ball or light it on fire to cover the disrepair that it is in. There was no way that I could invite him in. The front entryway is basically wrapped in plastic and while the living room is in pretty decent shape, it is lacking in furniture since the divorce. There is exactly  one place to sit other than the floor.

I'm insecure about my finances. How can I even put myself out there and date when my finances are such a mess that I couldn't imagine getting into a relationship with a man and having him find out. I have not been reckless, but my divorce took a toll on my pocket book, as did my sewer, losing my job 8 months ago, and finishing a graduate program.

My insecurities are the reason that I pick men that were not relationship material. My insecurities are the reason that I would rather meet a man out than have him pick me up at my door. My insecurities are the reason that I can't get serious with a man.

The insecurities that I feel are not unfounded. I have been stood up more than my fair share. I think that it might be proportionate to the amount that I date. However, anytime you have been stood up for a date you are reminded how woefully inadequate you are. It hurts when people break plans, let alone never bothering to pick up the phone and cancel.

The message that the one who has been stood up hears is something like this, "You are not worth my time and there are much better things for me to do than hang around with you." However, often we forget that the man asked us out and not the other way around. The man sought us out then decided not to show up. Why would he do that?

He has insecurities too. So, he had the courage to ask you out and the courage to make plans and did not have to courage to come to your door. The man who stood me up tonight appears so very confident. He has the gift of gab and a pretty fun looking life, if a story can be told through his pictures on a social networking site. He is so sweet and extremely humorous, yet apparently he too is woefully insecure. He sent a text much later and said that he knew that he "blew it." He'd been in contact with me all day and then, in a text, mentioned being scared. I basically knew then that he would stand me up. He never elaborated on it and really didn't contact me again until much later and said that he knew he blew it.  I was crushed because I really liked him.

I don't understand why we put so much pressure on ourselves that we let our insecurities stop us from living. I know so many people who do nothing because they are afraid of what someone will think, or that they will be rejected, be too nervous. I tend to stay in my own comfort zone too. But, if a girl already said she'd go out with a guy, I'd think 1/2 the pressure would already be gone. I told him I didn't even care where we went or what we did, his choice, just tell me how to dress. There was another piece of pressure off his shoulders, I'd think. I know the man bears the most pressure in the dating relationship and that is why I try to be as open to suggestion as possible about where we go and what we do, especially if he doesn't know me very well.

So, do I let this latest failed attempt at dating sour me? Will I always feel insecure around him? I can probably answer an affirmative to both questions. Will I be able to put this in it's proper perspective? I sure hope so. This guy obviously had insecurity issues of his own and was not able to seal the deal by showing up. This was his problem, believe I was just dragged into it. But, it still hurts like crazy. It will take time to get over it and hopefully it will not add to my already enormous pile of insecurities.

Pretty Lies

Pretty lies are the things that I have believed throughout my life. There are too many to list. There are millions of lies that I've told myself, we all have. But, some of my lies were so big that they allowed me to throw away years of potential, years where I could have grown emotionally and spiritually. The lies I'm sharing today are only a fraction of the lies that pertain to men and my sexuality.

• I have a man that loves me. Now I can find the strength to work through all of this mess from my past. This lie later became, "if a man loved me, I could find the strength to work through... " Then it became, "Oh good, someone loves me, now I can find the strength to work through...." 
• I don't need anyone else to love me as long as I like who I am.
• It doesn't matter if the guy doesn't love me. I don't love him either. Everyone needs companionship from time to time. 
• Casual sex is okay as long as both people are consenting adults and neither one has the expectation of more.
• Everyone has had more partners than they will admit to. It is okay that I don't remember names and faces.   
• These are harmless diversions. 
• All rape victims end up with some sort of dysfunction it's unavoidable.
• It is okay if a man isn't "exactly" right for you. If it doesn't work out, there is always divorce. You survived one, you can survive another.
• So he drinks a little. It's alright, it doesn't affect me. This lie used to be, "so he smokes a little pot, it won't affect me."

I think that I always knew that some of the lies that I listed were lies that I was telling myself so that I wouldn't have to change. I won't lie, changing stinks. It is so hard. Changing requires turning away from a habit that is second nature and trusting that once it is out of your life, you will be so relieved that you wouldn't dream of going back. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't imagine not missing certain parts of my life. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine a life where I didn't care if men were calling me or not. In my wildest dreams, I could not imagine a serious dating relationship, with one man.  I would never have allowed myself to dream of trusting a man with my heart. Well, on that last one, I still don't, but I really really want to. But, for now, I need to let God be the only one that I trust with my heart. He's the only one that can understand how broken it is. He is the only one that will know the right human man who can be trusted. 

I knew intellectually that other people did not live their lives the way I lived mine. So many times I thought, "It's easy for her, she has a husband and her life is easier." I don't know how I ever let that pass as a truth. I'd been married, nothing about it was easier. The ugly truth is that I lived the way I did to avoid a pain, abandonment, and rejection. It makes no sense logically, but I was using faulty logic. 

The ugly truth is that having multiple relationships brought me more rejection and more pain. The ugly truth is that I was, and am, so painfully insecure that I accepted meaningless relationships just to avoid being alone. I allowed myself to get into serious relationships (2 marriages) with men who I knew to be wrong for me. Looking back, it was almost as if they were my drug of choice, like a cutter who mutilates himself/herself. There was rarely a moment of bliss or happiness during those times. It was like I was testing myself with pain to be sure that I was still alive. As long as I felt pain each day I knew I was alive.  

I'm sure that my blog posts will mirror my personal journal, meaning they will be all over the place. One entry might be about today and another will be about childhood. Some entries, like today's will be about my belief system, ever so faulty. Thank you for reading.