Pretty Lies

Pretty lies are the things that I have believed throughout my life. There are too many to list. There are millions of lies that I've told myself, we all have. But, some of my lies were so big that they allowed me to throw away years of potential, years where I could have grown emotionally and spiritually. The lies I'm sharing today are only a fraction of the lies that pertain to men and my sexuality.

• I have a man that loves me. Now I can find the strength to work through all of this mess from my past. This lie later became, "if a man loved me, I could find the strength to work through... " Then it became, "Oh good, someone loves me, now I can find the strength to work through...." 
• I don't need anyone else to love me as long as I like who I am.
• It doesn't matter if the guy doesn't love me. I don't love him either. Everyone needs companionship from time to time. 
• Casual sex is okay as long as both people are consenting adults and neither one has the expectation of more.
• Everyone has had more partners than they will admit to. It is okay that I don't remember names and faces.   
• These are harmless diversions. 
• All rape victims end up with some sort of dysfunction it's unavoidable.
• It is okay if a man isn't "exactly" right for you. If it doesn't work out, there is always divorce. You survived one, you can survive another.
• So he drinks a little. It's alright, it doesn't affect me. This lie used to be, "so he smokes a little pot, it won't affect me."

I think that I always knew that some of the lies that I listed were lies that I was telling myself so that I wouldn't have to change. I won't lie, changing stinks. It is so hard. Changing requires turning away from a habit that is second nature and trusting that once it is out of your life, you will be so relieved that you wouldn't dream of going back. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't imagine not missing certain parts of my life. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine a life where I didn't care if men were calling me or not. In my wildest dreams, I could not imagine a serious dating relationship, with one man.  I would never have allowed myself to dream of trusting a man with my heart. Well, on that last one, I still don't, but I really really want to. But, for now, I need to let God be the only one that I trust with my heart. He's the only one that can understand how broken it is. He is the only one that will know the right human man who can be trusted. 

I knew intellectually that other people did not live their lives the way I lived mine. So many times I thought, "It's easy for her, she has a husband and her life is easier." I don't know how I ever let that pass as a truth. I'd been married, nothing about it was easier. The ugly truth is that I lived the way I did to avoid a pain, abandonment, and rejection. It makes no sense logically, but I was using faulty logic. 

The ugly truth is that having multiple relationships brought me more rejection and more pain. The ugly truth is that I was, and am, so painfully insecure that I accepted meaningless relationships just to avoid being alone. I allowed myself to get into serious relationships (2 marriages) with men who I knew to be wrong for me. Looking back, it was almost as if they were my drug of choice, like a cutter who mutilates himself/herself. There was rarely a moment of bliss or happiness during those times. It was like I was testing myself with pain to be sure that I was still alive. As long as I felt pain each day I knew I was alive.  

I'm sure that my blog posts will mirror my personal journal, meaning they will be all over the place. One entry might be about today and another will be about childhood. Some entries, like today's will be about my belief system, ever so faulty. Thank you for reading.