If Insecurity was an Island, It Would Be Overcrowded

I accepted a date for tonight with a man that I really liked. I can honestly say that out of approximately 20 dates in the last year, it was one of two that I truly looked forward to. I was so frightened because of all the anxiety of first dates and insecurity of not being accepted, or plain and simply being rejected. If you aren't asked to a 2nd date and you like the guy, that hurts.

Because of my nervousness about this date, I showered three times today as well as my bath when I got up this morning, I sweat all afternoon and evening. I did my hair and make up. Yet, I could not put on my clothes for my date. I just couldn't let myself get completely ready unless I felt like he was well on his way to pick me up. Why, because I have been stood up before and if I'm not dressed then I can tell myself that I wasn't ready to go out anyway, so it is no big deal if I get stood up. Not getting dressed helps me perpetrate one of my  pretty lies.

I felt insecure about my house. There was no way to hide the condition of the outside of my house. It was probably too late to call in a wrecking ball or light it on fire to cover the disrepair that it is in. There was no way that I could invite him in. The front entryway is basically wrapped in plastic and while the living room is in pretty decent shape, it is lacking in furniture since the divorce. There is exactly  one place to sit other than the floor.

I'm insecure about my finances. How can I even put myself out there and date when my finances are such a mess that I couldn't imagine getting into a relationship with a man and having him find out. I have not been reckless, but my divorce took a toll on my pocket book, as did my sewer, losing my job 8 months ago, and finishing a graduate program.

My insecurities are the reason that I pick men that were not relationship material. My insecurities are the reason that I would rather meet a man out than have him pick me up at my door. My insecurities are the reason that I can't get serious with a man.

The insecurities that I feel are not unfounded. I have been stood up more than my fair share. I think that it might be proportionate to the amount that I date. However, anytime you have been stood up for a date you are reminded how woefully inadequate you are. It hurts when people break plans, let alone never bothering to pick up the phone and cancel.

The message that the one who has been stood up hears is something like this, "You are not worth my time and there are much better things for me to do than hang around with you." However, often we forget that the man asked us out and not the other way around. The man sought us out then decided not to show up. Why would he do that?

He has insecurities too. So, he had the courage to ask you out and the courage to make plans and did not have to courage to come to your door. The man who stood me up tonight appears so very confident. He has the gift of gab and a pretty fun looking life, if a story can be told through his pictures on a social networking site. He is so sweet and extremely humorous, yet apparently he too is woefully insecure. He sent a text much later and said that he knew that he "blew it." He'd been in contact with me all day and then, in a text, mentioned being scared. I basically knew then that he would stand me up. He never elaborated on it and really didn't contact me again until much later and said that he knew he blew it.  I was crushed because I really liked him.

I don't understand why we put so much pressure on ourselves that we let our insecurities stop us from living. I know so many people who do nothing because they are afraid of what someone will think, or that they will be rejected, be too nervous. I tend to stay in my own comfort zone too. But, if a girl already said she'd go out with a guy, I'd think 1/2 the pressure would already be gone. I told him I didn't even care where we went or what we did, his choice, just tell me how to dress. There was another piece of pressure off his shoulders, I'd think. I know the man bears the most pressure in the dating relationship and that is why I try to be as open to suggestion as possible about where we go and what we do, especially if he doesn't know me very well.

So, do I let this latest failed attempt at dating sour me? Will I always feel insecure around him? I can probably answer an affirmative to both questions. Will I be able to put this in it's proper perspective? I sure hope so. This guy obviously had insecurity issues of his own and was not able to seal the deal by showing up. This was his problem, believe I was just dragged into it. But, it still hurts like crazy. It will take time to get over it and hopefully it will not add to my already enormous pile of insecurities.

Pretty Lies

Pretty lies are the things that I have believed throughout my life. There are too many to list. There are millions of lies that I've told myself, we all have. But, some of my lies were so big that they allowed me to throw away years of potential, years where I could have grown emotionally and spiritually. The lies I'm sharing today are only a fraction of the lies that pertain to men and my sexuality.

• I have a man that loves me. Now I can find the strength to work through all of this mess from my past. This lie later became, "if a man loved me, I could find the strength to work through... " Then it became, "Oh good, someone loves me, now I can find the strength to work through...." 
• I don't need anyone else to love me as long as I like who I am.
• It doesn't matter if the guy doesn't love me. I don't love him either. Everyone needs companionship from time to time. 
• Casual sex is okay as long as both people are consenting adults and neither one has the expectation of more.
• Everyone has had more partners than they will admit to. It is okay that I don't remember names and faces.   
• These are harmless diversions. 
• All rape victims end up with some sort of dysfunction it's unavoidable.
• It is okay if a man isn't "exactly" right for you. If it doesn't work out, there is always divorce. You survived one, you can survive another.
• So he drinks a little. It's alright, it doesn't affect me. This lie used to be, "so he smokes a little pot, it won't affect me."

I think that I always knew that some of the lies that I listed were lies that I was telling myself so that I wouldn't have to change. I won't lie, changing stinks. It is so hard. Changing requires turning away from a habit that is second nature and trusting that once it is out of your life, you will be so relieved that you wouldn't dream of going back. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't imagine not missing certain parts of my life. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine a life where I didn't care if men were calling me or not. In my wildest dreams, I could not imagine a serious dating relationship, with one man.  I would never have allowed myself to dream of trusting a man with my heart. Well, on that last one, I still don't, but I really really want to. But, for now, I need to let God be the only one that I trust with my heart. He's the only one that can understand how broken it is. He is the only one that will know the right human man who can be trusted. 

I knew intellectually that other people did not live their lives the way I lived mine. So many times I thought, "It's easy for her, she has a husband and her life is easier." I don't know how I ever let that pass as a truth. I'd been married, nothing about it was easier. The ugly truth is that I lived the way I did to avoid a pain, abandonment, and rejection. It makes no sense logically, but I was using faulty logic. 

The ugly truth is that having multiple relationships brought me more rejection and more pain. The ugly truth is that I was, and am, so painfully insecure that I accepted meaningless relationships just to avoid being alone. I allowed myself to get into serious relationships (2 marriages) with men who I knew to be wrong for me. Looking back, it was almost as if they were my drug of choice, like a cutter who mutilates himself/herself. There was rarely a moment of bliss or happiness during those times. It was like I was testing myself with pain to be sure that I was still alive. As long as I felt pain each day I knew I was alive.  

I'm sure that my blog posts will mirror my personal journal, meaning they will be all over the place. One entry might be about today and another will be about childhood. Some entries, like today's will be about my belief system, ever so faulty. Thank you for reading.