If Insecurity was an Island, It Would Be Overcrowded

I accepted a date for tonight with a man that I really liked. I can honestly say that out of approximately 20 dates in the last year, it was one of two that I truly looked forward to. I was so frightened because of all the anxiety of first dates and insecurity of not being accepted, or plain and simply being rejected. If you aren't asked to a 2nd date and you like the guy, that hurts.

Because of my nervousness about this date, I showered three times today as well as my bath when I got up this morning, I sweat all afternoon and evening. I did my hair and make up. Yet, I could not put on my clothes for my date. I just couldn't let myself get completely ready unless I felt like he was well on his way to pick me up. Why, because I have been stood up before and if I'm not dressed then I can tell myself that I wasn't ready to go out anyway, so it is no big deal if I get stood up. Not getting dressed helps me perpetrate one of my  pretty lies.

I felt insecure about my house. There was no way to hide the condition of the outside of my house. It was probably too late to call in a wrecking ball or light it on fire to cover the disrepair that it is in. There was no way that I could invite him in. The front entryway is basically wrapped in plastic and while the living room is in pretty decent shape, it is lacking in furniture since the divorce. There is exactly  one place to sit other than the floor.

I'm insecure about my finances. How can I even put myself out there and date when my finances are such a mess that I couldn't imagine getting into a relationship with a man and having him find out. I have not been reckless, but my divorce took a toll on my pocket book, as did my sewer, losing my job 8 months ago, and finishing a graduate program.

My insecurities are the reason that I pick men that were not relationship material. My insecurities are the reason that I would rather meet a man out than have him pick me up at my door. My insecurities are the reason that I can't get serious with a man.

The insecurities that I feel are not unfounded. I have been stood up more than my fair share. I think that it might be proportionate to the amount that I date. However, anytime you have been stood up for a date you are reminded how woefully inadequate you are. It hurts when people break plans, let alone never bothering to pick up the phone and cancel.

The message that the one who has been stood up hears is something like this, "You are not worth my time and there are much better things for me to do than hang around with you." However, often we forget that the man asked us out and not the other way around. The man sought us out then decided not to show up. Why would he do that?

He has insecurities too. So, he had the courage to ask you out and the courage to make plans and did not have to courage to come to your door. The man who stood me up tonight appears so very confident. He has the gift of gab and a pretty fun looking life, if a story can be told through his pictures on a social networking site. He is so sweet and extremely humorous, yet apparently he too is woefully insecure. He sent a text much later and said that he knew that he "blew it." He'd been in contact with me all day and then, in a text, mentioned being scared. I basically knew then that he would stand me up. He never elaborated on it and really didn't contact me again until much later and said that he knew he blew it.  I was crushed because I really liked him.

I don't understand why we put so much pressure on ourselves that we let our insecurities stop us from living. I know so many people who do nothing because they are afraid of what someone will think, or that they will be rejected, be too nervous. I tend to stay in my own comfort zone too. But, if a girl already said she'd go out with a guy, I'd think 1/2 the pressure would already be gone. I told him I didn't even care where we went or what we did, his choice, just tell me how to dress. There was another piece of pressure off his shoulders, I'd think. I know the man bears the most pressure in the dating relationship and that is why I try to be as open to suggestion as possible about where we go and what we do, especially if he doesn't know me very well.

So, do I let this latest failed attempt at dating sour me? Will I always feel insecure around him? I can probably answer an affirmative to both questions. Will I be able to put this in it's proper perspective? I sure hope so. This guy obviously had insecurity issues of his own and was not able to seal the deal by showing up. This was his problem, believe I was just dragged into it. But, it still hurts like crazy. It will take time to get over it and hopefully it will not add to my already enormous pile of insecurities.