Today, as I sat in church, I knew that I had so much to be forgiven for, in this week alone, actually in just the past day alone. I felt so blessed to be sitting in a congregation of people that understand that we all sin and fall short of the Glory of God. We all struggle to walk the way we should but we keep on trucking along, working to maintain our relationship with God and know that we must die to ourselves daily. It is a tough thing to die to oneself especially in this world of easy access to all things that make us feel good. But, I really felt forgiven as I walked in the church today. God knows my inner struggles. He knows I fall and keeps accepting me back. The honest truth is that, I fell so hard yesterday, I was not sure I should even bother God today.
Then, the sermon today was on forgiveness. It was about forgiving others. Because it is so infinitely powerful to be forgiven by God, I find it difficult to comprehend how forgiving others will even come close to the feeling that I get from being forgiven by God. Yet, it is a beautiful and powerful experience all in itself. Forgiving others as well as ourselves makes our souls lighter and frees us up to be used by God.
I am generally a very forgiving person so I was surprised when I felt compelled to take notes. I don't normally take notes but I felt like I was supposed to. Pastor gave categories that a person who has wronged us might fall into. Maybe that person hurt us because they thought we deserved it or because of a compulsion or their own weakness.... As he described a category I found that I actually had a few people that came to mind immediately and one that I had not forgiven.
Last Monday, I was struck hard with a flood of emotion when I realized that I still harbored ill feelings towards a former church friend. I stopped what I was doing then and prayed for her and her family. I realized that I needed to forgive where I felt she let me down but also, that I had really hoped she had forgiven me for letting her down. I wrote her a note letting her know that I wished for peace between us. Then, I couldn't find her address, left the note in my car for two days while my car was being repaired, and was generally busy and misplaced the folder it was in.... So, the note went unsent and she has no idea of my feelings or intent towards her family. So, today's sermon was perfect timing to nudge me to send that letter tomorrow, or drop it off as I still cannot find her address.
However, she is not the person that God placed on my heart in the service today. I already forgave her, she just doesn't know it yet. There was someone else, someone that I cared deeply for, who hurt me, on purpose. Do I already have to forgive this person? I reflected on this month alone and realize how much time I have wasted thinking over our past and wishing things had been different. I have thought about him in anger and cried, although usually silent tears that I can't even let out. Do I have to let this person know that I forgive him or is it enough to just forgive? I spent many hours today pondering this and praying. As broken down as I feel, I realized that he might possibly be more broken down than me, or he wouldn't have done all that he did to me. So, if he is broken down and/or down on his luck, would it help him to know that I have forgiven him? Will he care at all? Perhaps not.
Maybe I'm the sort of person that doesn't mind looking the fool. But, I don't want to be that person who forgave someone and never told him. If I don't say it, he might walk around thinking that I talk badly about him behind his back or that I think negatively about him. Even if I send the note, he may never receive it in the spirit it was intended. He may be so caught up in his own negativity that he doesn't give a hoot what I think about him. But, what if he does care what other's think?
So, I look like a fool right now. I will look like an idiot when he tells our common friends that I sent some "stupid" letter forgiving him. I may be the butt of a few jokes down the road. OR he will understand what I meant and he will have the note to read at just the right moment in his life and it might help him in some small way. I guess I don't mind being the "tool" that sent a crazy, "I forgive you" letter if it means that my letter might be the tool that helps him accept the forgiveness that comes from God alone.
Some think I forgive too easily, but I cannot change who I am in this way. I believe that God put an understanding in me that allows me to see where others are broken, just like me. I don't think that forgiving is the same thing as forgetting or the same thing as tolerating bad behavior. We still have to draw lines as to what we are willing to live with and accept from those in our lives. To me, and this may not be Biblical, it means that I harbor no ill will towards them and wish them peace. What happened still happened, pain is still pain, I just accept that and move forward, although, I might still have occasion to cry.
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